Now that the Supreme Court has legalized same-sex marriage, it may be a good time to re-examine the institution itself. With the divorce rate at 40% worldwide, marriages lasting on average about 10 to 12 years, and infidelity occurring in 20-25% in all marriages—what is happening to our sacred institution?

I was still in high school when my height hit the 6-foot mark and I learned a valuable lesson: In spite of all the pantyhose marketing hype—one size does NOT fit all. Decades later I am here to report this applies not only to women’s fashion but also marriage. Think about it. Our relationships come in a bazillion different shapes and sizes, yet we as a society seem to insist on doing marriage one way. How could it be remotely possible that the basic rules of marriage and what constitute “family” can fit EVERY SINGLE person who embarks on the matrimonial journey? Avoiding this simple truth boxes us into stale marriages that have lost their responsiveness.

What if we took the shame, blame and guilt out of marriage and customized our marriages to suit our needs? According to The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels by Susan Pease Gadoua and Vicki Larson, there are several new models to fashion your marriage: companion marriages, co-parenting marriages, long distance marriages and open marriages.

I know. You were with me until I mentioned the scandalously taboo open marriage scenario. But hang in for a moment. What if we were able to have an honest dialogue about our needs and stop chasing a marriage fantasy built on rigidity and, I dare say, monogamy? Isn’t it reasonable to reckon that “legalized cheating” could improve the bonds of a committed relationship if one in four of us are doing it anyway? And I am talking happy marriage here. We all know couples who, after decades of marriage are near rigor mortis with resentment and boredom. I am all for “death do us part”-as long as we’re not long dead before we part.

Social historian Stephanie Coontz, in her book Marriage, a History: From Obedience to Intimacy, or How Love Conquered Marriage, states “marriage is undergoing a transformation …when it comes to what people actually want and expect from marriage and relationships, and how they organize their sexual and romantic lives, all the old ways have broken down.” Coontz goes on to comment on infidelity: “people often end up exploding a relationship that was working well because one partner strays or has an affair that doesn’t mean anything.” Ester Perel the author of Mating in Captivity is asking for a more “productive conversation and language” around infidelity.

My marriage is sometimes open and sometimes closed. I believe that accepting our natural biology and sexual urges increases the likelihood that my husband and I will not only be together longer—but actually like being together longer. We decided together to shape our marriage to fit our unique values and needs.

Twenty years into my first marriage, my husband and I recognized our relationship was based on co-parenting and creating art—but had become rather sexless. I suggested we open our marriage and so we did. Five years later we had transitioned to other partners. However, my first husband is still my chosen family and remains one of the finest human beings I know. When I look at my two kids—I see his DNA mixed with mine and it still thrills me. Yet by society’s estimation—my marriage failed. If this is what failure looks like—please send more failures my way!

I consider both of my marriages successful. Without the openness with my first husband—with whom I still co-parent the children we co-created—I would never have found the complete happiness I have now in my second open marriage.

And, as salacious as my open marriage might sound, I am a suburban mom and writer with a largely predictable, macaroni-making, fall-asleep-by-9-pm lifestyle. Yeah, sometimes my husband and I have sex with other people, but get this: I think our honest polyamory will actually enhance the longevity and vitality of our designer marriage.

Maybe being over six feet tall as a woman has made me appreciate the value of individual perspective. What if different marriages provide and fulfill different values and we can adjunct our lives with other situations and people to make our marriages –much stronger and more durable? Until now gay people have not been allowed in to the marriage box—and this has worked to their advantage. Their unsanctioned ‘marriages’ have historically been based on creative individualized agreements. If marriage is truly going to thrive it can no longer be a limited box or fixed institution but must integrate a responsive dialogue between spouses. As Mae West quipped, “Marriage is a fine institution, but I’m not ready for an institution.”

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Gracie X is a Writer, Director, and Actress. She is the author of Wide Open: An Unconventional Love Story now available wherever books are sold. She started a relationship odyssey nearly a decade ago that inspired her to create an unconventional polyamorous chosen family. For the past several years the idea that people can authentically construct their relationships, marriages, and families while meeting the needs of everyone involved– has cracked her wide open. She can’t stop writing, talking, or thinking about it. Her main message is do it your own way. “There is so much more spaciousness in our relationships to get our needs met—and there’s not one correct way to do it. There are a spectrum of options from monogamy to polyamory and all the nuances in between.” She encourages people to create a unique ‘relationship mission statement’ and set up their marriages, poly relationships and families in the way that works best for them. She has been a principal on “Nash Bridges”, and numerous local TV and commercials. Her short film which she directed and co-stars premiered in the San Francisco Gay and Lesbian Film Festival. It has played at “The Outfest” in Los Angeles, Amsterdam, Germany, Seattle, Orlando, and on San Jose’s Public TV channel KTEH. Her plays have been produced by ‘Brava! For Women in the Arts”, The Climate Theater, Solo Mio, The Chi Chi Club, The Fringe Festival, The Marsh and Josie’s Juice Joint. Gracie X has toured throughout San Francisco, Vancouver and Los Angeles. A graduate of Bard College, she has worked with Peggy Shaw and Lois Weaver at the WOW Cafe in New York City. She currently lives in Northern California.

Gracie X can be found on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Goodreads, and GracieX.com.