Have you ever heard rumors of ERMAGERD sex in unusual or oddly cliché places and wondered if it could POSSIBLY be that great? I mean, how do these people not end up in the emergency room? (Spoiler: I’m pretty sure some do, LOL.) In honor of Jagger’s and Kennedy’s near miss (or maybe not) with the Mile High Club in The Millionaire’s Gamble, here’s a look at some of the most popular places for “wild” sexual encounters…and why they actually suck.

1. The Beach. Seriously, is anything more romantic than the surf tumbling around you, your sexual rhythm at one with the sun, surf, and tide? Maybe not in theory but OMG HAVE YOU ACTUALLY TRIED THIS? First, sand is abrasive, and abrasion is no way to kick off sex. Second, there’s almost zero chance you won’t drown. Anyone who has spent more than ten minutes by the ocean has probably noticed the amount of water that churns from crested surf is inconsistent at best. Sure, there will be a couple of waves that delightfully tickle the naughty bits, but then one will come along that will want you dead. A six-inch surge of water driven straight up your nostrils will suck if you’re on the bottom, but it’s not so great on top, either. Mainly because when you start laughing at your drowning partner, he or she will not be amused. (You can file that under Mood Killers.)

2. First of all, the lavatories are notoriously disgusting. But let’s pretend you found a clean one without questionable wet spots on the floor or dubious streaks anywhere else. We still have two problems. One, no matter how clean it looks, it’s not. Two, you’re fornicating in the same canned air where countless people have taken care of business. Not exactly a venue for heavy breathing. And if you pull this encounter off elsewhere in the plane, remember it’s probably not much cleaner. That said, if you manage to rock it out in first class, carry on. *fist bump*

Read More