Option 1: Believe him when he says he “Loves” both of you and try to be happy in the situation you’re in.
Personally, I don’t like this option at all because YOU obviously aren’t into sharing your guy and, more importantly, he’s not treating you the way a man who’s trying to “open up” his relationship should.
In the world of poly folks, there’s almost always a hierarchy where there’s a “Primary” partner, a “Secondary” partner etc. And the way they make those situations work is that the PRIMARY partner is always the most important one and often even has veto power over who else their partner gets involved with.
Your guy hasn’t shown you anywhere near enough respect for you to take this path.
Option 2: What’s Good For The Goose Is Good For The Gander
If he’s committed to being in a non-monogamous relationship that’s his right, but it’s got to swing both ways. If you want to stay with this guy and he’s 100% doubling down on keeping this “other woman” in his life then you should tell him in no uncertain terms that you consider yourself free to date and sleep with other men.
And then you follow through with it. A lot of guys of your generation really can’t handle that, so it would be interesting.
Option 3: Make Him Choose
“I love you. I want to be with you. I can learn to forgive you for cheating if we work on it but I’m not in any way interested in having another woman involved in our relationship or our life. So you need to choose if you want me or her because you simply can’t have us both.”
This will hopefully bring him back to earth in some way, but unfortunately, Kelly, if he’s truly infatuated with this other woman the fact is he may well choose her over you. (Which sucks.) You can only give him this choice if you’re emotionally prepared to hear an answer you don’t like.
(And by the way: If he DOES choose this other woman over you that doesn’t mean you aren’t “good enough” or there’s anything “wrong” with you at all. It means that sometimes guys freak out and sex is a very, very powerful thing.)
And finally, there’s . . .
Option 4: Leave
Unfortunately, I think this is actually your best choice at least for now. Right now your guy is living high on the hog, having all the love and intimacy he wants with you and having all the sex he wants with this other woman. The only way for him to truly appreciate what he has with you is for you to take it away.
Which means you say “This isn’t the relationship I want to be in and I respect myself too much to pretend I’m OK with this when I’m not.”
And you end things. And you mean it. And maybe he changes his mind after a bit and begs and pleads to have you back and maybe he doesn’t. But either way, you get to move on with your life, walk with your head held high, let go of the shame and inadequacy you’re feeling, and go look for a man who will give you the love you really deserve.
I sincerely hope that all your questions have been adequately answered and that you found this article helpful.