Three Techniques To Boost Your Sex Appeal…
(How To Up Your Game In The Bedroom!)
The most important ingredient for truly great sex may surprise you…
Great sex is at the top of the “want list” for most people. In fact, when it comes to relationships, most put great sex on the “can’t do without list.” But if you talk with lovers as much as I do, a stark fact becomes clear. Most people are unaware of the foundational element that makes truly great sex possible.
It’s trust.
Pure and simple, the more your lover trusts you, the more readily they can surrender to pleasure.
But how do you create and deepen trust? Even if you’ve just met?
My friend Susan Bratton, one of the most practical relationship experts I know, teaches three simple techniques to strengthen the trust bond between you and your partner at a physical level. These moves not only increase trust, they make you more tempting and desirable to your lover. And you know what that means… you are going to feel more pleasure and connection, too.
A quick caveat: these fundamental bedroom moves are so simple, even obvious, you may initially think, “Hey… I already know that.” But I implore you: think again. Better yet, stop thinking altogether and start feeling your way into a deeper understanding of these basics and the boost of sexual confidence they can give you.
The three techniques are: Breathing, Touch, and Eye Contact.
How you breathe during lovemaking is crucial. I’m not talking panting or heavy breathing. I’m talking about using your breath to sync your nervous system with your lover’s so you become intimately conjoined. Susan’s specific instructions on how to breathe with your partner will get you out of your heads and into your bodies. She gives specific breath techniques that are very sexy.
Women especially have difficulty relaxing their minds to surrender to their pleasure. Breathe with your woman the way Susan explains and she will become more aroused more easily.
The second technique is touch. It goes without saying that you want to put your hands all over your lover’s body. What isn’t so obvious is how to light up your partner’s sensual “grids.” Touch activates our kinesthetic sense and spreads the erotic energy around. Most men make the mistake of focusing primarily on a woman’s breasts and genitals. Most women don’t focus enough on his genitals.
There’s a way to touch a woman that will romantically arouse her much faster than going straight to her most erogenous zones. And there are ways to touch a man that calm him down so he can relax into a long, pleasurable lovemaking session so his lady can catch up with him.
Lastly, let’s talk about eye contact. The eyes are known as the windows to the soul for good reason. When you gaze into your lover’s eyes, you create a deeper connection. Obvious, right? But people often fall into their own space and focus inwardly rather than on each other. What do you do if that happens with your lover? Eye contact is intensely intimate. What to do if your lover looks away? Susan’s advice on this one is pure gold.
Start playing around with this dynamic trio of sensual skills and you will continually build on what you learn. This is the kind of know-how that makes you unforgettable in bed.
When you enter your name and email, the free gift will be sent to you. Make sure you look at the next page because it’s brand new. I’ve never seen it before and I think it is a GREAT IDEA.
Guys truly love it when a woman tells them what to do to make them happy.
Unfortunately, for a lot of women, what will make them happy is not just vague, it’s seriously elusive.
However, my dear friend and trusted hot sex advisor, Susan Bratton, knows what women want. She knows what makes romance passionate. She knows how guys can use romance to sweep their woman off her feet in the most simple and effective ways.
She has compiled some of her best romance secrets in this book that you can download for FREE below.
For a woman to want you intimately, she needs to feel romanced.
Romance is the path to passion. Without romance, the road to passion is long and hard. The only thing you want long and hard is your penis after your GAINSWave treatments!
Whether you’ve been married for decades or you just met, these romantic gestures will light up her world.
I’ve read through the book multiple times, and I keep learning something new each time.
This is some of the best material she’s given out. And you can get a copy of the book for absolutely FREE.
These are masculine strategies full of backbone and strength. They are meant to make her melt into your arms as you lift the stress of her day off her shoulders with your loving attention. And while they are framed as “tricks,” I encourage you to own these moves and truly “take her” by showing her what you’re made of and how much you love her.
PS: A Woman Needs To Feel Romanced To Want You Sexually…
And my friend Susan Bratton knows what women want, romantically and sexually. She has spent the past decade studying what makes relationships HOT! She assessed all the romantic ideas out there and found that they fall into five buckets. She calls these the 5 Pillars of Passion.
Romance is the path to passion. And Susan has made it her mission in life to put you firmly on that path. That’s why she wrote the 30 Magic Romance Tricks eBook.
Your free guide will be emailed to you. Don’t miss the page after you enter your name and email. Normally people are shy about this, but they say their friends are literally begging for these.
Whether you’ve been married for decades or you just met, these romantic gestures will light up her world. More than that, they’ll help you feel your power as a man. These are masculine strategies full of backbone and strength. They are meant to make her melt into your arms as you lift the stress of her day off her shoulders with your loving attention. And while they are framed as “tricks,” I encourage you to own these moves and truly “take her” by showing her what you’re made of and how much you love her.
Here are just a few of my favorites from Susan’s book:
#1 Notice Her.There is literally nothing that’s more romantic to any woman than when you sincerely notice something good or special about her. I mean, it could be something just as simple as: “Hey Baby, are those some new pair of jeans you got on? They really compliment your shape, love.” Or: “I love when you cook for me. It always tastes so good.” Or even: “Thank you for picking up the steaks. You are just so natural and good at staying on top of things.”
#2 Give her two hours of fix-anything time.This will really get her love chemicals swirling because you show up in her mind as her protector. Be her caveman/love slave and take care of anything she needs done around the house. (NOTE: your attitude should be “Whatever I can do to make your life easier,” rather than, “I’m doing this in the hopes of getting laid.”)
#3 Spoil Her In Bed.This starts with a gentle hug from behind in the kitchen or wherever you find her at the end of the day. Just wrap your arms around her and whisper in her ear: “Sweetheart, I laid out three magazines, a chocolate bar, and a cup of tea on your bedside table. Go get in bed and relax for half an hour. I’ll be in with a bottle of warm organic coconut oil in thirty minutes.” You’ll see a flush in her face that tells you she’s ready to bloom.
#4 Romance her with intimate sounds.Susan calls this aural appreciation. There are many ways to tickle her auditory pleasure circuit without talking or using any words. For example, growl when you hug or kiss her. Moan during lovemaking. Let out a barely audible whistle as she walks through the room. (It’s best to avoid loud whistles; they can backfire on you.) Growling, moaning and hushed whistling are very romantic expressions of appreciation.
#5 Declare Your Undying LoveHow will you express your undying love for her? I’m talking about making a statement rather than assuming she knows you love her. This is very romantic for a woman and one of the most simple actions you can take to keep the love and passion alive.
If you haven’t been getting the affection and attention from your lady you crave, then romancing her is going to fix that problem.
What I love most about Susan’s “tricks” is how they get to the core of what humans—men and women alike—find romantic. They are powerful because they are active expressions of love that will make both of you smile and warm both your hearts. That’s what makes them magic!
Romance, passion and attraction keeps your relationship, marriage or even casual encounter alive, but if you do things the wrong way… it will all be wasted effort.
That’s why I want you to grab this free bookfrom my friends, Susan and Tim Bratton.
Normally a $27 book, you can get it for zero cost for a limited time. Downloads are strictly limited to 1 per person.
Susan and Tim help people have truly satisfying relationships. This couple not only offers excellent relationship advice, the have a model relationship of affection and respect for each other.
Tim made me a special page — JUST FOR YOU — where you go download Susan’s super valuable book called:
30 Romance Tricks are the kinds of things you do that get results. They are based on the 5 Pillars of Passion.
This is a book they sell all day long, every day, but literally put up a free page for one week just for YOU, where you go grab the romance tricks with my compliments.
This page will be taken down.
There I said it.
And it’s the truth.
So grab your free eBook copy today and find out the exact secret romantic gestures that will drive your partner insanely wild with passion.
See their eyes sensually light up as they can’t help themselves but naturally respond with romance, love, intimacy, laughter and absolute physical warmth and affection!
The more you give your love, the more love you will feel.
To Romance,
P.S. Sensually romancing your lover is a present you give yourself. So when you download Susan’s book with my compliments, you’re actually giving yourself a present too.
Shame most men don’t understand Romance. Heck, majority of men out there are just not interested in it.
Yet, I’m here today to sincerely tell you the truth that if you really want to enjoy a highly romantic and exciting sex-life with your lover, girlfriend or wife, you have no choice but to do the ‘Romance Stuff.’
In fact, it gives you 30 Romantic Tricks that work magically in making your woman Hot, Wet and Horny – desperate to ‘do the NASTY’ with you. Desperate to give herself to you!
I highly suggest that you take a couple of minutes to go through it… here’s your link
30 Magical Romance Tricks for 30 days of passionate lovemaking
Here’s another great free ebook from Susan Bratton– and I think it’s going to be a good one for a LOT of men…
Here’s a damaging confession for you:
I’m like a girl when it comes to romantic comedies. I love them, I’ve watched “Harry Met Sally,” and “Love Actually,” and “Keeping The Faith,” like a dozen times each. And yes, I usually cry at the end.
What a wuss! Haha!
And while I had a lot of challenges with women when I was younger, from crazy social anxiety to PE… I’ve always been pretty damn good at romance and dates… from first date, to date night with my wife.
But… most men, particularly men in relationships, really struggle when it comes to date night. They feel like it’s the dog-house or an expensive dinner and flowers.
Here’s the truth: Like anything else, once you get a few skills and get good at the romance thing, it’s FUN.
And it’s such an easy way to make everything in your relationship work better.
It’s normally a paid product in Susan’s catalog for $27… but she’s giving it away to get more readers on her email list for this promotion, so grab yours now.
For Romance!
P.S., You know I was just kidding about crying at those movies… right?
Hey, it’s Michael Fiore from Ever After Romance, Inc. with your weekly Q&A newsletter where I answer YOUR questions about love, sex, romance and puppies (ANSWER: Puppies are the best thing ever.)
In today’s issue we’re going to talk about CHEATING . . . whether a marriage can be SAVED after a spouse cheats and EXACTLY what to do if you or your spouse cheats to, hopefully, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE!
But first!
For the ladies: 97% of women MASSIVELY overestimate how good they are at this incredibly important sexual skill (while 97% of men say their wives or girlfriends are “awful” at it) do you know what it is?.
And hey, how was your weekend? Mine involved lots of avoiding the news and trying not to think about the election. (And seeing “Doctor Strange” — decent flick. I’d give it a solid “B” but there was nothing there I’m going to remember a week from now.)
OK! LET’S DO THIS!!
Derek asks:
“Can A Marriage Be Saved After Someone Cheats?”
Hey Derek,
Thanks for your (insanely brief) question. It’s one of those short but emotion-PACKED ones that gets readers all in a hot and bothered tizzy because the word “CHEATING” lights fires of RAGE in all our hearts.
The “easy” answer here would be to say “No, once somebody cheats that’s the absolute end of everything and you should completely destroy the life you and your spouse have built together because she DARED to have another man’s penis inside her (even if it leaves you broke, emotionally devastated and leads to your kids being children of divorce.)
But you know what? That’s bull. Listen: I’m not “pro cheating” by any means (I’ve been cheated on and it sucks horribly.)
But I do think this idea that “cheating” is the automatic “Death Knell” of a marriage is absolute crap.
I also think the “Holier-than-though” attitude so many folks seem to have around cheating is absolutely RIDICULOUS.
Why?
1. Well, FIRST off it’s because cheating is INSANELY COMMON.Recent research shows that, during the course of a marriage, 30% – 60% of men and women will cheat (and those statistics are probably conservative.) The fact is that lifelong absolute monogamy is HARD. I always say being monogamous in the long term is like flying. Man was not born with the ability to fly (just like man was not born being naturally monogamous) but with a LOT OF WORK AND DEDICATION we can pull it off.
2. Second off, it’s because ANYONE will cheat in the right circumstances.
I know, I know, from up on your high horse as the aggrieved spouse you can rant all day about how YOU would NEVER cheat under ANY circumstances.
But you’re wrong. You really are. If you were sad enough or feeling unattractive enough to your spouse or drunk enough or on drugs enough or needing attention enough or horny enough or just desperate for actual affection enough (because your marriage has broken down and ever caress is loaded with contempt) well then yeah, you would cheat.
And you would justify it in the moment . . .
And you’d probably feel guilty as hell afterwards.
Now, I’m not saying every human being is JUST as likely to cheat as every other human being. Some folks will cheat at a passing breeze and a billowing skirt (my dad was like that — total womanizer. Made my mom miserable.)
But I AM saying that EVERY human has a line . . . ever human has a perfect set of circumstances in which will power and ethics and all that goes out the window and we just want to FEEL.
(I’m tempted to go into a bit of detail about what “cheating” actually means and how dangerous it is to be in a relationship where cheating hasn’t been strictly defined by both partners without assumptions, but then this newsletter would get WAY too long. Check out the back issues for more on that.)
3. WEIRDLY ENOUGH many couples find their marriages actually IMPROVE after a spouse cheats (if they can manage to get through the rough patch together.)
Why?
Well, because nothing makes you stop taking your partner for granted like feeling like you might lose them to somebody else.
And because after somebody cheats you’re FORCED to have all the difficult and honest conversations you’ve been avoiding having for years.
With All That Said, Let Me Say Right Now That You Are Asking The Absolute WRONG Question
See, Derek, I understand why you asked the question you did because you just want a quick “Yes” or “No” answer so you can make this huge decision about your life and the future.
And you know what the answer is to that one? Um, it’s “I don’t know” because I don’t know anywhere near enough about you and your wife or the relationship you’ve had up until now or if you guys have what it takes to
So, instead of making some blanket “Yes” or “No” statement let me take you through a short process where you can decide if this marriage of yours is worth saving or not:
Question 1: WHY did your wife cheat?
Not “why did she say she cheated?” (“I was just so lonely” or “I was drunk” or “he seduced me”) or “why does that voice in your head say she cheated?” (“Because I’m not good enough in bed. Because she’s a slut. Because because because.”
NO, the REAL reason. What’s the REAL reason your wife cheated?
Did she cheat because her self esteem had taken a hit recently and she wanted more than anything to feel attractive to a man?
Did she cheat because you have been flirting with other women and not paying attention to her? (I’m not saying you have been, just that it’s a possibility in circumstances like this.)
Did she cheat because she was mad and wanted to hurt you?
Did she cheat because she feels incredibly lonely in your marriage?
Did she cheat to make you jealous because she feels like the emotional fire is lost between you?
Did she cheat because she’s into kinkier stuff than you and you aren’t game to explore her fantasies?
Did she cheat because the guy involved has biceps like Chris Hemsworth and eyes like Hugh Jackman and the accent of Antonio Banderas and MAN HOW CAN YOU BLAME HER?
What I’m saying is there are HUNDREDS of reasons people cheat (and even more ways they JUSTIFY cheating in the moment – because humans are good at that.) It’s never simple. It’s never cut and dry. And it’s probably a lot less about YOU than you think it is.
That said . . .
Question 2: What was your CONTRIBUTION to the situation that lead to your wife cheating?
OK, this is the tough one because I can hear folks screaming “MIKE, she cheated on HIM! He didn’t do ANYTHING wrong!” (Or, the opposite “Well, if a woman cheats on a man it must be because he deserves it.”
I’m not saying you “deserve” this and I’m not saying that you’re blameless. The fact is, even if you only contributed 10% to the situation that lead to her cheating you still contributed in some way. And that’s OK. Were you not as attentive as you could be? Were YOU not feeling sexually attractive and pushed your spouse away? Has your sex drive flagged lately for whatever reason? Have you bene really critical of your wife’s looks?
Don’t beat yourself up about it and don’t let your wife make this all “your fault” (because it’s not) but what in your own behavior lead to this situation?
If you honestly can’t think of anything it either says something awful about your wife or says something unpleasant about your own self awareness.
Question 3: Do you think you have it within yourself to TRULY FORGIVE your wife?
Every couple who goes through infidelity has something of a “probation” period where the cheating spouse has a bit less freedom and a bit less trust. That’s normal. Trust has to be re-earned.
But too many spouses take their partner’s infidelity as an opportunity for a power grab. They take this mess up and hold it over their spouse’s head for DECADES bringing it up every time there’s an argument or a disagreement.
And that’s just toxic and stupid. Do you have it in yourself to UNDERSTAND what motivated your wife to cheat and to EMPATHIZE with the emotions that lead her to that place (you don’t have to condone what she did, but you have to understand that she is human just like you and she makes stupid mistakes just like you.)
(Tangentially: Here’s the one big secret to how my wife and I manage to have a pretty awesome relationship: We accept that neither one of us is perfect. We don’t say “I’ll never hurt you” we say “I know I’m going to hurt you. I hate that I’m going to hurt you. But I know I’m going to because I’m a human being and I promise you I will never hurt you on purpose.” — works a lot better than expecting perfection I’ll tell you that.)
Question 4: Is this a one-time thing or is it a pattern?
There’s people who cheat and there are CHEATERS. I’ve cheated in the past (when I was younger and stupider). But my dad was a CHEATER. He cheated on my mom every chance he got and then pretended my mom was crazy when she confronted him. (I love my dad – he died 20 years ago — and I understand the culture he was raised in that lead to his womanizing but dear God, that was shitty.)
Like I said before, anyone can cheat once and if someone cheats once it’s often something you can come back from. But if someone has something in them that just NEEDS to be promiscuous and if they’ve cheated again and again it’s almost undoubtedly going to happen again. People like that need to understand that monogamy is not for everyone.)
Question 5: Does she sincerely regret it?
Does she seem truly remorseful? Did she try to deny everything when you found out or did she own up and ask for forgiveness?
Question 6: Is she willing to completely cut off contact with the person she cheated with?
If it’s a co-worker, is she willing to transfer? If it’s a friend is she willing to not have that person in her life as you heal your marriage?
Question 7: Is your marriage WORTH saving?
What are you getting out of your marriage? Do you love each other? Is there real affection? Do you guys feel like you’re on a team? Sometimes cheating can help couples get closer together and back on track (by forcing communication) but you have to have something worth saving or a goal you both are working towards.
Question 8: What would it COST you to end your marriage?
Divorce sucks. I’ve been through it and it’s in the top 3 horrible things I’ve endured in my life (right up there with Lyme and crippling back pain for like 15 years). Divorce in America also has a tendency to leave folks bankrupt and severely mess the kids involved up as the parents are encouraged by our family court system to SAVAGE each other.
Is your wife cheating worth you losing your house, a bunch of money and at least some access to your kids?
Is it worth going back out into the dating world?
My wife and I were having a tough discussion last week (I’d had some personal stuff going on and had acted disrespectfully towards her without realizing.)
She was hurt, but after a long talk she looked at me and said “Mike, you aren’t perfect but you’re the best man I know. Relationships always involve pain, but I’d rather have pain with you than pain without you.”
No matter who you end up with, there’s going to be pain involved. It’s just a fact. Is there enough good in your marriage that the pain is worth it?
I can’t actually answer any of these questions for you, but it’s important you realize there’s no “One-Size-Fits-All” answer here.
So here’s what I recommend:
Sit down with your wife. Show her what I wrote here. TALK to each other. Be open and honest and vulnerable. Tell her how you feel after finding out she’s been cheating WITHOUT yelling at her. Realize that her cheating probably had VERY little to do with you and a lot to do with what was going on in her own mind. If you attack, she’ll simply get defensive and you’ll end up fighting. If you go to her with vulnerability and say “I’m really hurt by this and I want to talk to you to find out if we can fix this” you’ve got a shot.
Best,
Michael Fiore Founder, Ever After Romance, Inc
P.S.For a really excellent information on dating, romance, relationships, love, sex and sexual health stuff that walks you through all this and more go check out Taylor Snow Romance Website . Here you’ll learn all about how to cheat proof your dating relationships, romance or marriage because men don’t cheat on women who know how to do THIS.
Hi, it’s Joe Montana from “Digital Romance, Inc.” with your weekly Digital Romance newsletter.
In today’s issue, I get to say one of my absolute favorite things to say over and over again while simultaneously being really sad for the woman I need to say it to.
A heartbreaking email from Anne:
“I’ve been divorced for five years after 25 yr marriage, dated a lot and found a great guy. He is separated but not divorced. He filed for divorce, but his wife had a severe stroke and is recovering slowly. He needs to refile due to the time lapse but due to the oil field economic turndown and his wife’s stroke he has not refiled yet. He is reducing his property and simplifying his finances which will make the divorce easier. We’ve been together for 10 months, but I’m nearing the end of my patience. I don’t want to rush to remarry, but I do want him single. I’m a high quality person and deserve to be with a single person. We’ve communicated openly about this and he agrees but seems to be dragging his feet. Because of his wife’s stroke her ability to negotiate a divorce is not good. What do I do?”
Hi Anne,
First off, I want to say how sorry I am about the situation you’re in. After all the pain and financial devastation that comes with divorce (especially after 25 years of marriage), I can only imagine how lonely you feel and how much you crave the attention of a man who’s as into you and as free to express that as you are into him.
All that said, this is a shitty situation for everybody involved (including the guy’s wife – strokes are no joke even though they rhyme with joke – wow, that was awful.)
So here’s what I think:
I’m ecstatic that you know you’re a high-quality person. So many of the emails I get are from men and women who have had their self-esteem absolutely destroyed from years of non-communicative relationships, victim mentality, and subtle or not-so-subtle emotional abuse. Like I always say “You’ll never find love unless you love yourself first” and step one to finding love is to realize that you are WORTHY, GOOD ENOUGH AND DESERVING just the way you are. You are LOVABLE just the way you are. The fact that you never once in this message ask me how to “Force” him to end things with his wife speaks a lot to your character and I’m proud of you.
You’ve really only got two options here and neither one of them is particularly great.
OPTION 1: Accept Things How They Are.
You say you’re not eager to get married again, which makes me wonder: Why is it so important to your relationship with this man that he be unmarried and single?
I know, I know, technically what you are doing is “adultery” but it’s pretty obvious both this guy and his wife know that any romantic or sexual aspect of their relationship is over, and what they have now is much more of a combination of financial factors and his feelings of responsibility towards her and not wanting to make her suffer more after her stroke.
You say you want and deserve a single guy, but since he’s separated he is in fact single. He’s not doing anything morally wrong by dating you and you’re not doing anything morally wrong by dating you. I understand if you want him free and clear of his old relationship, but money factors are a very valid reason to hold off on a divorce, and personally, I don’t think anything substantial is going to change between you when he gets divorced except he’ll be quite a bit poorer and his lawyers will be quite a bit better off.
I wouldn’t be saying any of this at all if he still lived with his wife or if it sounded like she thought they were still “together.” They’re separated. That means he’s single and free to date. Unless he’s neglecting you in some way by spending a ton of time and energy on his ex (or unless he’s constantly complaining to you about his ex) I don’t actually think it’s your business exactly when he gets divorced.
Consider approaching and telling him “I’m in love you and I love everything that we share and have. I want you all to myself and it’s hard for me to accept that you are still technically married, but as long as your marriage doesn’t interfere with what we have then I’m willing to back off talking about this and let you have the space you need to mourn that relationship and do what you have to do to exit it gracefully. I know that even though things with you and your ex didn’t work out there’s still a lot of history there, that you still feel responsible for her in some way and that this is hard for you.”
You know, the whole empathy thing. It usually does wonders. Will it motivate him to speed up his divorce? Maybe not, but it’ll keep you both from having uncomfortable conversations about this.
Ultimately, you need to realize that his marriage and divorce have nothing to do with you and aren’t “about” you in any way.
Option 2: Tell Him To Check Up On You When He Is Unattached And Available For A Relationship
I always, always, always say “Never Wait For A Man” because I’ve dealt with WAY too many women who give their hearts to married guys who “swear” they are going to leave their wives but never do.
So walk straight up to him and let him know that….”I am not ready to just wait around for you while you are taking your sweet time to make a decision. I really like you and I think there’s something wonderful that could develop between us, but I’m not going to be the other woman. I’m going to end this and date other men but when you finally do end your marriage drop me a line and we’ll see if I’m still available.”
That’s good advice most of the time both because it gives the women involved a sense of power again and because it shatters the status quo (status quo the guy is enjoying or comfortable in) without being an “ultimatum.”
But . . . uhh . . . the guy you are with is ALREADY single. He’s not in a romantic relationship with anyone but you. He’s just legally tied to this other woman and that has nothing to do with romance or your relationship at all. If he’s “dragging his feet” it’s because he’s feeling a mix of financial horror at the realities of American divorce and because no matter how bad things get with your spouse actually ending things still feels like a failure and still feels absolutely devastating.
If it’s REALLY REALLY REALLY important to you that he get divorced for you guys to be together, go ahead and give him the “Look Me Up When You’re Single” speech — but only give him that speech if you really are willing to walk away and give up on your relationship with him until he is legally free from his wife.
But personally, I think you should just drop the issue. In every way that matters, he’s already single. No matter what the actual divorce is going to take a while to get through and it’s going to be emotionally rough on him. You’ve got him.
This week we’re going to be talking about THE OLDER MAN (or the OLDER WOMAN, actually), why age actually DOES matter when it comes to love (though maybe not for the reasons you think) and what to do when your friends tell you you’re dating an “old man.”
BUT FIRST!
Hey, how was your weekend? Do anything awesome? Do anything INCREDIBLY ROMANTIC? (My weekend was really awesome, by the way. Spent most of it just hanging out in Seattle with my amazing lady and our amazing — in a drowned-rat kind of way— dog. He’s named Dobby. He looks like a house elf.)
OK, let’s DO this . . .
Cara asks . . .
“Okay guys, I have a simple but daunting question. Is it so terribly bad that my boyfriend is in his mid fifties while I am 22? Like, when people in my life find out his age, they tend to flip out. Is it THAT big of a deal?”
OK, let’s do this . . .
Hi, Cara . . .
Thanks so much for your question. I can actually hear the brows of hundreds-of-thousands of women around the world furrowing as they read your question (and I can hear a bunch of guys going “What? I like younger women. It’s just biology! What???” Time and time again while at the same time emailing me bitterly complaining that nowadays young women “don’t like dating older men” (when what’s really going on is that nowadays younger hot women just don’t like older men who just dress up like High School principals and have beer belly guts that stick out further than their cocks.)
ANYWAY . . .
I know there’s that old adage that says “Age is just a number” and that it shouldn’t matter in ANY way when it comes to matters of the heart . . .
And while that adage is really poetic and even kind of true, it’s mostly unmitigated BULLSHIT.
I mean, yes, age is just a number, but it’s actually a VERY important number . . .
And the reason your friends are FREAKING OUT when they find out your boyfriend is 30 years older than you is because it’s kind of creepy and could have consequences you just aren’t seeing yet because you are 22 and therefore young and stupid. (I’m not saying this to make fun of your or anything. I was young and stupid when I was 22 as well. Hell, neuroscientists have shown that the human brain isn’t even finished developing until you’re at least 25 — which is also why rental car companies won’t let you rent a car yet. Basically, what I’m saying is that even though you’re probably out of college now and legally an ADULT you still aren’t YOU yet and that’s OK.)
Let’s just dive in with a handy-dandy list of reasons WHY AGE MATTERS (especially when it’s a matter of DECADES of difference between you.)
Reason Age Matters Number 1: Stages of Life
A few years ago a couple friends of mine were dating. They were great together. They had love blowing out of their ears. They nuzzled like sexy kittens every chance they got. They were really, really good together.
And then they broke up.
Which was the APPROPRIATE and RIGHT thing to do.
Why?
Well, because the guy in the relationship was a (very youthful) 50 . . .
And the woman in the relationship was 32 . . .
The guy was at a stage in his life where he wanted to relax more . . .
And the woman was in a stage of her life where she wanted to make BABIES.
If the guy were twenty years younger? Well, then he would have wanted to make babies too (he even said so.)
But at 50 he had no interest at all in being an “old dad.”
So even though they loved each other rather desperately these two friends of mine went through a painful but respectful breakup.
Because age matters. In this case it doesn’t matter because of maturity or anything like that. It just matters from a life stage and LIFE GOALS standpoint.
The fact is, at 22 you’re just getting your life going (and finding out who you actually are) while your boyfriend is (hopefully) established and coasting into middle (and/or old) age.
If this is just a guy you’re dating for a few months or a year or two to get some experience, then good on you.
But if you’re thinking more LONG TERM (or that he might be “The One”) then you need to have some very serious and important conversations NOW (not later) to ask HIM what he actually wants to do with his life (besides hang out with a very young woman, which a heck of a lot of older guys like to do.)
Reason Age Matters Number 2: You Are Going To Change. A Lot. And your twenties are when you should be spreading your wings and getting new experiences.
I don’t want to harp on YOUR age too much, but you are REALLY, REALLY young (even though you probably don’t feel that way.) Ask any woman in her 30’s if she’s the same person (or even anywhere near the same person) now that she was in her early 20’s and she’ll look at you like you grew antlers out of your head.
The fact is, the next 8 years of your life are going to be an incredible time of growth and change in your life and if you’re going to have a long-term boyfriend you’re actually a LOT better off with somebody at least somewhat close to your own age – somebody who is just discovering who they are too.
Am I saying that your older boyfriend isn’t going to be able to handle you changing? No. But guys certainly tend to get more set in our ways as we get older.
Reason Age Matters Number 3: This Guy Could Be A TOTAL Creep And You Wouldn’t Even Know It
OK, I don’t know your boyfriend at all but I’ve dealt with a LOT of guys who are obsessed with dating women MUCH younger than they are.
And honestly? They creep me out.
I mean, don’t get me wrong: attraction is attraction. If a guy meets a woman who HAPPENS to be 30 years younger than him and they HAPPEN to hit it off and, even though they both know there are challenges to dating somebody that much older / younger they decide to go for it, that’s great.
What concerns me (and I have no idea if your guy is like this) are the older guys who ONLY date women MUCH younger than them.
I’ve got a guy I know who’s my age (38) who ONLY dates women under 25. These girls he meets are all impressed by him and feel special that this older guy is giving them attention and fall for him hard . . .
And THEN eventually they figure out that the reason he ONLY dates women under 25 is because he’s simply not mature enough to handle a relationship with a fully-grown woman.
Basically, he’s just using these younger women to feed his ego and make himself feel young and vital again instead of actually growing up and taking his responsibility as an adult man.
As a 22-year-old woman you’re something of a status symbol to your guy. In fact, your youth is probably a VERY big part of what he finds attractive about you (I mean, it’s not like he actually cares about any of the bands you like.)
And . . . uh . . . that youth isn’t going to last forever, is it?
So, Cara, here’s what I’m saying in a nut shell:
1. Age matters not so much for emotional reasons as for purely practical ones.
2. There are a LOT of older guys out there who fetishize younger women and for whom your most attractive trait is that you are young and (probably) won’t challenge him the way an older woman would.
3. The reason your friends are FREAKING OUT about the age difference is because in MANY cases (though not necessarily yours) situations like yours get creepy and/or emotionally devastating pretty quickly.
Now, of course it’s possible what you guys have is awesome and you’re on the same page about everything. In which case, great.
So what should you do?
It’s up to you. At 22 I don’t personally think you should even be looking for “The One” yet (seriously, getting married before 30 is dumb.)
If you’re just hanging out with this guy in the relative short term, then go for it. Learn. Discover the power you have over an older guy as a younger woman.
But realize now that it’s most likely a short term thing.
Option 1: Believe him when he says he “Loves” both of you and try to be happy in the situation you’re in.
Personally, I don’t like this option at all because YOU obviously aren’t into sharing your guy and, more importantly, he’s not treating you the way a man who’s trying to “open up” his relationship should.
In the world of poly folks, there’s almost always a hierarchy where there’s a “Primary” partner, a “Secondary” partner etc. And the way they make those situations work is that the PRIMARY partner is always the most important one and often even has veto power over who else their partner gets involved with.
Your guy hasn’t shown you anywhere near enough respect for you to take this path.
Option 2: What’s Good For The Goose Is Good For The Gander
If he’s committed to being in a non-monogamous relationship that’s his right, but it’s got to swing both ways. If you want to stay with this guy and he’s 100% doubling down on keeping this “other woman” in his life then you should tell him in no uncertain terms that you consider yourself free to date and sleep with other men.
And then you follow through with it. A lot of guys of your generation really can’t handle that, so it would be interesting.
Option 3: Make Him Choose
OK, I hate ultimatums. Ultimatums almost never work. But this is a case where you need to stand up for yourself and plainly say:
“I love you. I want to be with you. I can learn to forgive you for cheating if we work on it but I’m not in any way interested in having another woman involved in our relationship or our life. So you need to choose if you want me or her because you simply can’t have us both.”
This will hopefully bring him back to earth in some way, but unfortunately, Kelly, if he’s truly infatuated with this other woman the fact is he may well choose her over you. (Which sucks.) You can only give him this choice if you’re emotionally prepared to hear an answer you don’t like.
(And by the way: If he DOES choose this other woman over you that doesn’t mean you aren’t “good enough” or there’s anything “wrong” with you at all. It means that sometimes guys freak out and sex is a very, very powerful thing.)
And finally, there’s . . .
Option 4: Leave
Unfortunately, I think this is actually your best choice at least for now. Right now your guy is living high on the hog, having all the love and intimacy he wants with you and having all the sex he wants with this other woman. The only way for him to truly appreciate what he has with you is for you to take it away.
Which means you say “This isn’t the relationship I want to be in and I respect myself too much to pretend I’m OK with this when I’m not.”
And you end things. And you mean it. And maybe he changes his mind after a bit and begs and pleads to have you back and maybe he doesn’t. But either way, you get to move on with your life, walk with your head held high, let go of the shame and inadequacy you’re feeling, and go look for a man who will give you the love you really deserve.
I sincerely hope that all your questions have been adequately answered and that you found this article helpful.
